Bad hair is essential. Once the province of only a privileged few, today with proper guidance and a reasonable budget it can easily be yours! Below you'll learn the secrets of the brightest stars in the bad hair firmament, brave pioneers who every day test the boundaries of possibility. Though these giants are seldom inclined to reveal their secrets, our research team has developed can-do methods for faithfully recreating the most influential looks of the past twenty-five years! Do you have what it takes to be a cut above the rest?

Pete Rose
        Could baseball's legendary "Charlie Hustle" have accumulated a record 4,256 hits without his famous "soup bowl cut"? Possibly. Perhaps it had everything to do with grit, determination, and the diluted competition brought on by expansion. Still, let us attempt to enter the mind of an opposing pitcher. Staring from the mound, 60 feet away, the pitcher locks eyes with his adversary in a timeless confrontation between dull-witted future car dealer and arrogant compulsive gambler. Just as the pitcher enters his windup, preparing to release the ball at a velocity exceeding 90 mph, his gaze happens to drift upward to the area just below Rose's batting helmet. Suddenly, it's a mismatch. The pitcher's mechanics break down as his concentration crumbles, his mind suddenly hurtled back to childhood, to sock monkeys, to Moe Howard, to his own traumatic first haircut at the hands of a brutal aunt. The pitch sails wide, right over the fat part of the plate. Another cheap single for the Hit King! Best way to do it: A successful "soup bowl cut" is a deceptively thorny task and today is attempted by very few barbers outside mainland China. The difficulty lies in producing a bang-block that is not only totally uniform, but perfectly parallel to the horizon, while taking into account the weight and texture of the hair, the Earth's rotation, and state and local mousse ordinances. Unless you're planning a visit to Beijing, we don't recommend even attempting the Pete Rose.

Dorothy Hammil
        Remember "The Wedge"? The immense popularity of this haircutting tragedy was an early signpost of things to come: Give an Olympic skater an embarrassing haircut, spin her around fast enough during prime time, and soon every suburban frump who couldn't lace up a hiking boot will be begging her bewildered beautician to inflict the same damage. So indelible was this image, (reportedly created by Vidal Sassoon in the midst of a seizure) Dorothy was forced to perpetuate the barbarous chop well into middle age. Best way to do it: Call a friend, but not one who likes you too much. Ask him/her to bring a bottle of Grappa, a pair of hedge-clippers and a T-square. After using the Grappa to strip away any lingering doubts, have the friend measure a precise forty-five degree angle and then brutally truncate the hair, beginning at the dorsal ridge of the skull and ending at the nape of the neck.

        Then go out in public!

Loni Anderson
NOTE: Many analysts contend that the Loni Look is merely an insignificant subset of the Farrah Look (see below). However, the author strongly feels that Loni's geo-political significance merits her inclusion in this list..  

        Loni's popularity during the Reagan Administration was no accident. As an original prototype of the "peace shield", Loni's mane was the Pentagon's ill-fated attempt to prove that hairspray, used in sufficient quantities, could be a nuclear deterrent. Though her popularity toppled about the same time as the Berlin Wall, her influence remains strong, particularly in communities centered around high school football. While many have insisted that this hairstyle cannot be achieved without government funding, thousands of women named Rhonda have proved them wrong. Best way to do it: You'll need a tub of lye, a fifty gallon drum of Final Net, and a cotton-candy machine. Stir the lye into a taffy-like consistency and then submerge the hair, being careful to avoid the scalp. Once all color has been drained (redheads may require two applications, punkers three) allow hair to fully dry. Then pour Final Net solution into the space on the cotton candy machine marked "Sugar" and insert entire head in the area marked "Do Not Insert Head" (Don't worry--this is a meaningless government regulation.) When the machine has finished spinning, collect yourself and find a mirror. Is your hair large? Yes! Is it large enough? Depending upon where you live, it might not be: The accepted displacement is ordinarily four cubic feet, but more may be required in certain neighborhoods of Queens. Last resort: rent a wind tunnel. Set dial on "funnel cloud" and then hold on tight until target size is reached. (If no wind tunnel is available, try riding at extreme speeds on the back of a Harley, though uneven wind vectors may produce "wings". See Farrah Fawcett.)

Michael Bolton
        Among the very greatest of Bad Hair Looks, "The Bolton" may be unreachable for all but the few with that rare combination of gifts: thin, stringy hair and a Richard Nixon balding pattern. Unbeknownst to many, Bolton owes his immense popularity with neglected housewives not to his anguished vocal stylings, but rather to his skeletal attempt at a hairdo. His audience appreciates the deep vulnerability of a man who must struggle daily to assemble a pony tail from a mere two-hundred strands, each with the texture of dental floss and the color of transmission fluid. Best way to do it: As stated above, a true Bolton Look is a gift from the Creator. However, with a firm commitment it can be approximated. Step One: Change your diet to eliminate all vitamin content. This will result in hair loss, skin pallor, and(bonus!) will also help you recreate Michael's vocal timbre. Step Two: Use a razor to simulate the Nixonian hairline, taking care that the "central hub" ends in a square and not a point. (see illustration) Shaving this hub into a point will result in a stringy-haired Count Dracula Look, still taken seriously in New York and San Francisco.

Farrah Fawcett
        The Farrah Look entered the American consciousness at just about the same time everything else began leaking out. Coincidence? While studies concerning the effect of small hand-held appliances on left-brain function remain inconclusive, few scientists surveyed recall ever dating a perceptive woman who owned a curling iron.* Furthermore, a direct causal relationship between blow-drying and diminished IQ has long been established in mice. But even if this hairstyle might not actually make you stupid, what's important is that it makes you look stupid. Go for it! Best way to do it: Visit any Supercuts south of the Mason-Dixon line. Ask for Flo.

*This statistic may be misleading, as few scientists surveyed could recall dating.

Sinead O'Connor
        Less is more! Once just an ordinary doe-eyed beauty, everything changed the night Lady Schick transformed this delicate ingénue into the powerhouse she is today, a latter-day Yul Brynner. Not one to have her career cut short by talent, Sinead puts the spotlight right where it belongs--on that famous bathing cap of real flesh that's the centerpiece of every live performance. See it backlit during ballads! See it flash like a strobe during up tempo numbers! See it disappear entirely during the encore, only to reappear moments later in blackface for an unforgettable duet with Isaac Hayes! Best way to do it: You'll need scissors, a razor, a paint brush, an 8-ounce can of polyurethane, and $17.50 in laundry change. After you've used scissors and razor to create a fairly smooth surface, immediately visit a bowling alley. (Be careful to avoid league nights!) Using the paint brush, apply polyurethane to the scalp in smooth, slightly overlapping strokes. Now insert two quarters and your head into the Brunswick Buffmaster bowling ball polishing machine. (If you've already tried the "Loni Look", this part will be familiar!) When machine stops spinning (approximately two minutes, though it may seem longer) apply another coat of polyurethane and repeat this process until either: A) quarters run out B) polyurethane runs out, or C) head no longer fits in machine.         Your time has come to shine!

Tom Snyder
        The object of this article has been to help the reader establish goals which, though lofty and challenging, are nonetheless attainable. So it is with great caution I bring up the subject of this long-winded talk show host. What can be said about this man's hair? Lumpy, misshapen, multicolored, a desperate cry for help, it is one of the remarkable achievements of our time. It is also the very key to Mr. Snyder's success: Seated across from this misguided alternative to baldness, Snyder's guests are immediately disarmed, beguiled into believing that nothing they might say or do could possibly prove as embarrassing as the feral cat-pelt awkwardly perched atop the sci-fi forehead of their interviewer. Comforted, confident, the guests open up and reveal their inner truths, quickly making bigger fools of themselves than they ever dreamed possible--thus building the show's ratings and advancing their own careers! Best way to do it: Tom only knows.

Bozo
        A timeless classic that never fails to please, this is the boldest hair statement that anyone short of Tom Snyder can make. Best way to do it: Use a popular depilatory such as Nair or Prell to create a patch of baldness running from your forehead to the nape of your neck. (This process will have to be repeated daily and is an excellent time-killer during the morning commute.) Now color the remaining hair. The traditional red is best achieved by draining the ink from a number of Bic pens (approximately 1 pen per 100 strands of hair) and mixing this solution with an equal amount of motor oil (Do not use peanut oil!) Heat in a large saucepan, then carefully dunk each side of the head into the boiling solution and hold it there for at least 7 minutes, longer at high altitudes. Exercise caution not to get any ink on the hairless portion of the scalp as this will ruin the effect. Unless your hair has extreme natural body, an additional agent will be needed to create the classic bozo-esque "windblown look". (Despite the claims of a popular movie, the male ejaculate--even in heroic quantities--makes a poor hair gel and is better used as a nasal decongestant.)* To establish a requisite stiffness that can withstand chance washings, super glue is recommended (one tube per two hundred strands as needed). Once the glue has dried, be very careful navigating through doorways or donning roller derby helmets as this may cause split ends.

**See The Complete Idiot's Guide To Home Remedies, chapter 6.